oh, what a night.

I have always been a night owl, staying up into the wee hours of darkness, way past the times when everyone else bows out to call it a night.  I'm the person burning the midnight oil and even long past that - typically awake until four or five AM, on a reverse schedule of most humans, sleeping during the day and wide awake while the rest of the world sleeps. In high school and college it made for extremely difficult class schedules and I was perpetually tired and falling behind.  It used to drive my parents nuts and was always a bone of contention between us.  When I found a job working evenings, it was perfect and even though it's been years since I was on that shift, I've never gotten out of the habit of keeping those hours.

I used to like the silence - there's a unique quiet that comes in the middle of the night - and the lack of people, especially the lack of people.  The darkness has never really bothered me, and I love being able to see the stars even brighter.  The dogs are trained, after all these years, on my schedule and they don't seem to mind it either, especially in the summer when the blazing daytime temperatures are not very appealing.  Things are more peaceful at night.  Or, they used to be.

Now, nighttime is becoming a time when my doubts creep in, my dark thoughts come to attack, and my failures come to play on a loop.  Instead of being able to peacefully enjoy the quiet, the quiet seems to have turned on me.  Lately, there have been nights I just lay in my bed and my thoughts just drift to the me I could have been if I didn't get sick.  A few days ago, my mom ran into someone that works in the labor & delivery unit at my old hospital, someone I have never ever met, who told my mom that she knew who I was, what an excellent tech I was, that all the doctors loved me and missed me.  Four and a half years after leaving and a woman I don't even know can still say that about me.  It makes my heart ache, because I still have such a burning desire inside of me for the knowledge and the passion to do the work, but I physically can't.  I truly feel trapped inside my own body.

During the day, it seems so easy to put on the mask of make-up, nice clothes, and styled hair and say "oh, I'm fine"... even when you're not.  But at night, when you're alone, all of that falls away.  No, I'm not okay.  I feel lost.  I feel like all of my friends get to move on with their lives - move to new states, find new jobs, get engaged, be happy - while I am just stuck in the same position, day after day.  Sick, waiting for my next doctor's appointment, which usually brings more "I don't know"s and stagnant results.

I want to be able to have those dreams again, to sit down at night outside, looking up at the stars and dreaming of my future and to have those dreams actually be possibilities - not just laughable wishes.  I want to love the night again like I once did, to love the peace and quiet, to love the comfort of the darkness and the relaxation it brings.  I hope that someday soon I will be able to renew my love for the night.  Until then, I will be doing my best to remind myself of all the wonderful things the night can bring, and fighting against all the terrible things that are trying to creep in.

IC awareness month.

Although I have acquired many other related conditions and disorders throughout the last few years (or discovered ones I already had and didn't know about), Interstitial Cystitis is the one that started it all.  (By the way, I love when they are referred to as acquired conditions -- like someone walked up to you carrying a big ole' box with a red bow on top... "Congratulations!  You've been selected to acquire fibromyalgia! Woohoo!!")  To say that it is a complex condition is an understatement.  It doesn't present itself the same way in any given case, it doesn't respond to treatment the same way even day-to-day or person-to-person, and it is constantly changing and progressing.  Talk about trying to wrangle a beast. Since September has been IC Awareness Month (which is sadly coming to a close!) and because I have had a few friends ask me about what I personally do in my own life to combat my IC flares and deal with my IC on a daily basis, I thought I would write this blog post to share some of those things with you.

health update - going to rochester

hey everyone.  on monday, i posted on my instagram that i was going up to the university of rochester hospital to see my new cardiologist about the hole in my heart.  i wanted to update you guys on how that went because i know some of you are wondering, and it's a lot to post on instagram, so i figured i would do a health update post!  by the way, i appreciate all of you who have wished me well on my way there or checked in after to see how i was, or asked how it went.  it means a lot to know that you guys care about me and have my back :)

let me introduce myself.

hi everyone, and welcome to my blog.  i wanted to start out explaining a little bit about myself and why i wanted to start this blog, so here goes.

my name is gabbi and i am 27 years old.  i live in upstate new york, and have all my life, though i can't wait to move down south.  i have a wonderful boyfriend who is in the army, a great family who is super supportive including a mom who is my best friend, and two amazing & goofy dogs who are the loves of my life.  i have a small but growing jewelry business on etsy that i have recently started and am really enjoying working on, as well as other various crafty projects.  i love drawing and am slowing working my way into painting as well.  i also crochet, make paper cards, work with clay, and will try basically any craft project at least once!  i love taking pictures and exploring new places and being outside as much as possible when i can.  i also like trying out new foods, especially looking for new, healthy ways to get the vitamins and nutrients my body needs, as diet is very important.

my dog, zoe.  she's a pug/min-pin mix.

my other dog, hendrix.  he's a jack russell.

me! :)

almost two years ago, i was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, a bladder disease characterized by inflammation of the lining of your bladder which results in inability to empty your bladder completely, pain when peeing and also just all the time pain, sometimes blood in the urine from irritation of the lining, the feeling like you have to pee all the time, and a variety of other symptoms.  i was taken out of work for what we thought was a few months, in order to heal.  i loved my job more than anything -- i worked in the operating room as a surgical technician, assisting the surgeon during operations -- and having to leave my career indefinitely is one of the things i have had the hardest times coming to terms with.  over the last two years, i have been diagnosed with a slew of other disorders, diseases, and abnormalities, resulting in me taking about 25 pills a day and being somewhat confined to my apartment.  most of the things i suffer from are considered "invisible diseases," meaning that i don't "look sick".  it is very hard for most people to understand or be sympathetic to why i am as sick as i am when i appear to be normal and healthy.

throughout these past two years, because i have gotten many negative responses from people regarding me not looking sick and therefore not truly being sick, i have mostly kept what has happened to me private, sharing with a few friends and family and an occasional facebook update here and there.  it is embarrassing to be such a young person and be so severely sick, so unable to do things people my age are doing.  it is also extremely frustrating, since it seems like every time i go to the doctor, i get yet another medication added to my list, another test that has to be done, or another ailment added to the list of things that are wrong with me.  it's difficult to process and deal with on my own, so i figured nobody else would want to know about it, either.

but recently, after reading some other blogs online about those living with chronic illnesses, i have realized that that's not true.  it's nice to read about other peoples' struggles and know that i'm not alone.  more importantly, over this journey, i have gathered a ton of information about my diseases and helpful tips and hints that the doctors don't tell you -- things that you only learn through trial and error -- that would be selfish of me to keep to myself.  i also want to give others hope, to show that just because i have all these illnesses, i am still trying to make the best of my life and do the best i can with what i have.

so i have decided to start this blog.  it will contain information about my illnesses, hints and tricks i've learned along the way about them, updates on my progress and how i'm doing, and also regular, real-life things -- beauty products, movie reviews, tv shows i'm watching, trips i take, and fun stuff like that. hopefully you will enjoy reading my blog and get something out of it, and we can help each other along the way!