Wednesday, March 15, 2017

pain you just can't ignore.

They say it takes 66 days to form a habit.  Habits can be something beneficial - starting a new diet to lose weight and become healthier - or something bad, like starting drugs.  This is a habit neither good nor bad, something neutral that I never asked for and certainly don't want.  My mind and body are fighting this lackluster routine every step of the way. Sitting on the couch hour after hour, leg propped up on pillows and being brought the things I want: it sounds like a dream to some. But when your biggest desire is to be able to walk down the stairs correctly, with both ankles and knees pumping and flexing, to simply grab a glass of water, it's not such a pampered lifestyle after all.

It's been six weeks since I developed the blood clot in my leg and not much has changed. I'm on my fourth blood thinner, a shot called Arixta, because none of the other medications have changed the size of my clot at all. It hasn't decreased in size at all and I'm baffled to how that could be. How can I have suffered through all of this pain for these past weeks, endured not being able to walk properly or very far, not being able to stand for more than a few minutes at a time, and still my clot is the same. It feels like all of this has been for nothing.

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