new year's resolutions.

I never used to make New Years' resolutions. I was one of those people who always proclaimed them as stupid, cliche, and things that you said only because everyone else was. Most people forgot about them by February, anyway, I used to reason. As I got older, I started to see them more like guidelines - things that you could post on Facebook if you really wanted to, but if you ended up failing at.. well, they didn't really count, did they? By the time I was a working professional, I stopped thinking about them at all.

This year, I'm seeing things differently. By definition, a resolution is "a firm decision to do or not to do something," "the action of solving a problem, or contentious matter," according to the dictionary. It's something you do, on your own, to rectify something you've been having difficulty with or anticipate having difficulty with in the future. Simply put, it's a promise to yourself. It doesn't have anything to do with a public post on Facebook or making surface-level commitments just to join the fad. So I thought about what I have been really struggling with and want to change in the new year, and this is what I came up with - my resolutions:

reading this past year.

One of my earliest memories is of my dad and I, sitting with me on his lap in his black velvet recliner chair - the same chair that just a few years later I would fall into and acquire a dent in my skull that I still have - reading a big book together, sounding out the words for what felt like hours. They weren’t dreadful hours, though, as that phrase can often mean. They were joyful hours, and continued to be joyful hours throughout my young life into my adolescence and into my adulthood. 

In first grade, I won an award for reading fifty books at home on my own and the prize was a red wagon full of brand new, beautifully illustrated hardcover books. My mom came to the classroom for the presentation, the principal came down to the classroom, and a photo ran in the district newspaper. When they announced the competition, it was the first time I could remember truly wanting something and feeling that fire burning in my gut. I was determined to win and when I did, I was so proud and excited - not just to win, but to win books. 

pain you just can't ignore.

They say it takes 66 days to form a habit.  Habits can be something beneficial - starting a new diet to lose weight and become healthier - or something bad, like starting drugs.  This is a habit neither good nor bad, something neutral that I never asked for and certainly don't want.  My mind and body are fighting this lackluster routine every step of the way. Sitting on the couch hour after hour, leg propped up on pillows and being brought the things I want: it sounds like a dream to some. But when your biggest desire is to be able to walk down the stairs correctly, with both ankles and knees pumping and flexing, to simply grab a glass of water, it's not such a pampered lifestyle after all.

It's been six weeks since I developed the blood clot in my leg and not much has changed. I'm on my fourth blood thinner, a shot called Arixta, because none of the other medications have changed the size of my clot at all. It hasn't decreased in size at all and I'm baffled to how that could be. How can I have suffered through all of this pain for these past weeks, endured not being able to walk properly or very far, not being able to stand for more than a few minutes at a time, and still my clot is the same. It feels like all of this has been for nothing.

the new normal: life with a blood clot.

Whenever I watch a movie or television show where a character experiences some life-changing event, something that really shakes up their life, I think to myself, "Did they see it coming?" Did they sense anything different in the days or hours or minutes leading up to the seconds that turned their life upside down? Did they sense a change in the wind, a subtle vibration that made their hair rise up and planted a question in their mind?

I don't know about them but for me, I didn't notice a thing. Even up until the very last second, I was completely oblivious and looking back now, it makes me feel like an idiot for not noticing anything at all.

Two weeks ago, on the 22nd of January, I was getting ready to watch the Packers game on television when I got a sharp pain around my belly button. I hadn't eaten anything strange but sometimes I get random pains around my body so I didn't think much of it. As the day progressed, the pain increased and moved up under my ribcage. It was so sharp that it hurt to walk and move around, and I thought maybe I had contracted the stomach flu that was going around. Later in the day, the pain shifted to below my belly button and finally to my right lower quadrant. After having my training in the medical field, I was worried about my appendix, but I didn't have a fever, wasn't vomiting or throwing up, and didn't have any other symptoms, so I brushed it off.

By Tuesday night, the pain hadn't gone away and I was still having difficulty moving around. It hurt with every step, I couldn't bend over, I had to sleep in a completely horizontal position, and sitting on the couch wasn't comfortable no matter how I sat. With much reluctance, I asked my mom to take me to the emergency room.

roberson museum: home for the holidays christmas tree display

My family doesn't have too many holiday traditions that we practice every year. We follow the same menu each Thanksgiving dinner, we go out to breakfast at IHOP on Christmas morning, we open stockings at the kitchen table that include a packet of lottery tickets chosen by my dad, and we watch "The Santa Clause" after we eat our Christmas dinner. That's about it for the things we partake in annually... except for our visit to the Roberson Mansion and Science Center.

Since I was a wee Gabbi, my mom and I have made a trip to the Roberson Museum every December to visit the Home for the Holidays Christmas Tree display. It's a fun trip that has always made the holidays feel more magical and it's something we both look forward to every year.

four months with trixie.

We have had Trixie for a little over four months now, which seems crazy! Some days feel like we have had her forever and some days I am reminded that she is still new to the pack and I shouldn't expect her to act otherwise. Either way, things are a lot different from when we brought her home. She has come out of her shell and learned to trust us, get more comfortable with the other two dogs, and really begun to flourish. Every day I love her even more than the last - she is such a sweet, gentle dog with a soulful personality who loves to play and snuggle.

green lakes state park.

We have been having beautiful, warm weather here in upstate New York, which is very unusual - it has typically snowed at least once by Halloween. When I was younger, almost all of my costumes had to be modified to include some type of long underwear or thermal layer since the temperatures were hovering around or under freezing. Strangely, this past week it has been in the 70s - although I'm not complaining!

Last Saturday, it was perfect weather to go to one of my favorite state parks: Green Lakes State Park in Fayetteville, New York.

book review: behind closed doors.

I love to read. I don't remember a time in my life that I wasn't reading. My earliest memory involving books is when I was four, laying in the armchair with my dad, having him read book after book to me and sounding out the words with him. I knew how to read way before I started kindergarten, and reading has always been an escape for me. There is nothing quite like diving into the world of someone else to distract yourself, or to make you feel wonderful feelings of joy and anguish along with the characters while you're simply lying in your bed or couch. Learning about things I never would have had the chance to know about otherwise, enriching my life with knowledge about all sorts of subjects, and experiencing worlds completely different from my own, are privileges that reading has afforded me and I am so grateful for.

I am often reading more than one book at a time - usually a fiction book, a medical book, and some sort of memoir or other nonfiction book. Which book I pick up at any given time depends on which mood I'm in, but when I find a book that really sucks me in, I will read that exclusively until I'm finished. I love finding those gems and those are the ones I like to rave about to other people.

So naturally, I thought it would be a great idea to share those books that I have read recently and loved with you. First up is Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris, an intense thriller that had me riveted from page one.

brown's settlement cemetery.

I really enjoy finding interesting cemeteries to walk around in and look at the gravestones. I truly appreciate both the beauty of the stones and the history and meaning behind them, as well. There are quite a few in the area where I live and most of them have old stones because the cities and towns around here were settled a long time ago. I typically go with my mom, who also likes to visit them, and we are always on the lookout for unique stones, monuments, really old plots, or things we haven't seen before. This beautiful cemetery held wonderful surprises for us!

Brown's Settlement Cemetery was established in 1795 and contains approximately 238 stones. It was named after John Brown, whose farm land was set aside to use for the cemetery. Many of the stones' writing has been worn off, but this is a very well maintained cemetery. Although it has quite a few stones, it is a fairly small area of land and is under trees on a quiet back road. Chris and I discovered it while driving around one day, and I went back with my mom a few weeks later to show her and get a closer look at it.

the great new york state fair.

Every year, there are a bunch of festivals and fairs in our area. I love going to them and seeing the different vendors, finding new treasures, and most importantly - the food! Fair food is always so delicious, probably because it's so bad for you! Unfortunately, we didn't get to as many fairs this year as I would have liked because of our vacation and not wanting to leave Trixie alone so soon after getting her.

One of the great fairs near us is the New York State Fair. It's a huge annual fair made up of 375 acres complete with a Restaurant Row, hundreds of vendors, animal barns with loads of farm animals, a separate kids section, a petting zoo, and a midway with rides. It attracts big name entertainment acts, as well. Two weekends ago, Chris & I decided to take a trip up to the fair, since Labor Day was the last day it would be there. I have been suffering from a delightful chest cold for the past few weeks, but on that Sunday, I finally felt well enough to go to the fair.

fort desoto dog beach.

When Chris and I went to Florida to get Trixie, her foster mom Pat took us to an amazing leash-free dog beach there called Fort DeSoto dog beach. Fort DeSoto park itself is a huge 1,136 acre place made up of five interconnected keys, with beautiful natural ecosystems and more than 328 species of birds. The key with the park on it juts out into the Gulf of Mexico and right at the very tip is where the park is located. There are two giant, fenced in play areas - one for larger dogs, one for smaller - next to the parking lots, along with dog showers. There are also signs pointing to the dog beach, which is where we went.

Fenced dog park areas. (Photo from fortdesoto.com)

On our way to the beach!

welcoming trixie to our family.

When I was younger, I used to think it was so strange when I would see my mom wave at people who were complete strangers, and even more odd when she would strike up conversations with them. Who are these people, I remember thinking, and when I would ask, I would feel so baffled when she would shrug and answer, I don't know! with a smile. It didn't bother her to talk to people that she didn't know, because she figured that each person had something new and interesting to offer her, and perhaps would lead to a new opportunity that would otherwise be missed if she hadn't said anything to them.

Like most kids, I swore to myself that I would never do that, would never end up like my mother and talk to people I didn't know. Also like most kids, of course I ended up like her and have been known to strike up conversations in the grocery store line, walking down the street, and anywhere I saw someone interesting that I wanted to learn more about. Along the way I have learned some fascinating tidbits of information, but mostly I have just felt more enriched and confident by putting myself out there and opening up to people I otherwise wouldn't have. Recently, doing this led me on quite a little journey and ended up in one of the best rewards of my life.

what's been going on lately.

Since I haven't posted in so long, I wanted to do a health update for those that are curious about where I stand with my health currently. It's been almost a year since I posted one of these and although not much has changed, a few things have.

oh, what a night.

I have always been a night owl, staying up into the wee hours of darkness, way past the times when everyone else bows out to call it a night.  I'm the person burning the midnight oil and even long past that - typically awake until four or five AM, on a reverse schedule of most humans, sleeping during the day and wide awake while the rest of the world sleeps. In high school and college it made for extremely difficult class schedules and I was perpetually tired and falling behind.  It used to drive my parents nuts and was always a bone of contention between us.  When I found a job working evenings, it was perfect and even though it's been years since I was on that shift, I've never gotten out of the habit of keeping those hours.

I used to like the silence - there's a unique quiet that comes in the middle of the night - and the lack of people, especially the lack of people.  The darkness has never really bothered me, and I love being able to see the stars even brighter.  The dogs are trained, after all these years, on my schedule and they don't seem to mind it either, especially in the summer when the blazing daytime temperatures are not very appealing.  Things are more peaceful at night.  Or, they used to be.

Now, nighttime is becoming a time when my doubts creep in, my dark thoughts come to attack, and my failures come to play on a loop.  Instead of being able to peacefully enjoy the quiet, the quiet seems to have turned on me.  Lately, there have been nights I just lay in my bed and my thoughts just drift to the me I could have been if I didn't get sick.  A few days ago, my mom ran into someone that works in the labor & delivery unit at my old hospital, someone I have never ever met, who told my mom that she knew who I was, what an excellent tech I was, that all the doctors loved me and missed me.  Four and a half years after leaving and a woman I don't even know can still say that about me.  It makes my heart ache, because I still have such a burning desire inside of me for the knowledge and the passion to do the work, but I physically can't.  I truly feel trapped inside my own body.

During the day, it seems so easy to put on the mask of make-up, nice clothes, and styled hair and say "oh, I'm fine"... even when you're not.  But at night, when you're alone, all of that falls away.  No, I'm not okay.  I feel lost.  I feel like all of my friends get to move on with their lives - move to new states, find new jobs, get engaged, be happy - while I am just stuck in the same position, day after day.  Sick, waiting for my next doctor's appointment, which usually brings more "I don't know"s and stagnant results.

I want to be able to have those dreams again, to sit down at night outside, looking up at the stars and dreaming of my future and to have those dreams actually be possibilities - not just laughable wishes.  I want to love the night again like I once did, to love the peace and quiet, to love the comfort of the darkness and the relaxation it brings.  I hope that someday soon I will be able to renew my love for the night.  Until then, I will be doing my best to remind myself of all the wonderful things the night can bring, and fighting against all the terrible things that are trying to creep in.

IC awareness month.

Although I have acquired many other related conditions and disorders throughout the last few years (or discovered ones I already had and didn't know about), Interstitial Cystitis is the one that started it all.  (By the way, I love when they are referred to as acquired conditions -- like someone walked up to you carrying a big ole' box with a red bow on top... "Congratulations!  You've been selected to acquire fibromyalgia! Woohoo!!")  To say that it is a complex condition is an understatement.  It doesn't present itself the same way in any given case, it doesn't respond to treatment the same way even day-to-day or person-to-person, and it is constantly changing and progressing.  Talk about trying to wrangle a beast. Since September has been IC Awareness Month (which is sadly coming to a close!) and because I have had a few friends ask me about what I personally do in my own life to combat my IC flares and deal with my IC on a daily basis, I thought I would write this blog post to share some of those things with you.

the lowest of the low.

I had a draft all ready to be posted this week about how to deal with things when you are feeling at your lowest, most frustrated point with your illnesses.. and then this past week happened.

I've talked on here before about how I get migraines.  Since I was in middle school, I have gotten what are referred to as basilar, or ocular, migraines -- instead of the "typical" migraine, I get ones where the entire (usually left) side of my body goes tingly and then numb, starting with my fingertips and progressing up my arm, through my face/mouth and down into my trunk and leg.  I also get an aura in that eye that starts as a blob but eventually leads to a complete loss of vision on that side.  I also have the "typical" migraines people get, with the auras and intense pain, and I get sinus headaches. 

This is what my aura looks like when I first start getting it, and then it turns completely black with no lines.

trip to ocean city.

A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I decided to take a vacation to Ocean City, Maryland.  We had both been there before and enjoyed it, and it's a short drive from where we live in New York, so the trip isn't too hard on my body.  Our one dog, Zoe, spent the week at a local doggy daycare/boarding facility, but our other dog, Hendrix, isn't always very good with other dogs and had never been to the beach before, so we decided to bring him with us.

Despite cooler weather and a few days with bad bladder flares, we had a pretty nice time.  It's always more difficult traveling now that I am sick, but I just make sure to plan ahead to ensure a seamless trip.  There are a few tips I have learned along the way that make traveling and vacationing a lot easier on me and the whole crew and make for a much happier, less "flared up" trip, and I thought I would share those with you!

the beginning of our adventure.

i'm back!

It's been almost a year since I have posted an entry on this blog.  The initial reason for my sudden muteness was not a happy one -- I had my laptop on the table one day and the dog ran into the leg, knocking over a cereal bowl full of milk and spilling milk everywhere. :( Needless to say, it fried my motherboard and completely ruined my chances of ever saving my beloved MacBook.  Sigh.  It took me until Christmas to get the iPad that I use now, along with a separate Apple Keyboard.

Even then, it wasn't just the lack of actual laptop that prevented me from posting.  I had a phone, and my mom's computer was available to use if I really wanted to.  I just felt like I didn't really have anything of importance to say.  After all, who am I?  I'm just a random person who has been unluckily struck with a series of frustrating and terrible chronic illnesses, who basically sits around most of the day.  I don't feel like I contribute much to society, and I certainly didn't feel like I had much to contribute to the blogosphere.

But then I came across this pin on Pinterest:

As I read it, I realized that it was completely true, and I (as usual) was a giant idiot.  Even though I may not feel like I have a lot to contribute, I have me.  I have my story, my experiences, my life.  I have gone through some pretty awful things, but they have all served as learning experiences.  If I can take those things and use them to help other people, that would be awesome.  That is one of the reasons I went into healthcare -- to help people -- and since I can't physically work in that field right now, I can do the next best thing, which is help people this way.

So this is the long way of saying... I'm back!  (I know, I know, you're thrilled!)  Seeing that pin reminded me of how much I like connecting with people and helping them, and that's what I want to get back into.  I have been absent on Instagram as well, but I am going to change that so that I can start connecting with people again.. It makes me feel less isolated and small in my chronic illness bubble when I am putting myself out there on social media.  The content of this blog will be changing slightly -- although I do love box reviews and will still continue to do some of those, it will also be more about my daily life and the struggles I go through with my IC and other things.  It's so hard to try to talk to "normal" people about what we are going through that I want to create a place where people can come and read brutally honest experiences that they can personally relate to and not only gain knowledge from them, but also feel like they aren't so alone in this crazy world.  I hope that my blog ends up being that place!  

Please stick with me, and as usual, I would love to hear all of your comments as we move forward.  :)

pain demands to be felt.

I've been pretty late to jump on the "The Fault in Our Stars" bandwagon, given that the huge hype about it mostly crested earlier this year, when it came out in theaters.  I read the book when it first came out, so I was already familiar with it, and I have a strong aversion to the majority of movies that are based on books.  In my opinion, most movies do not adequately translate the feelings of a book onto the screen.  Sure, I'm a book snob -- that's no secret.  Anyone that knows me knows that I have, at any given time, at least twenty books in my room waiting to be read, that I have way more books that I have anything else in my life (including -- shockingly enough -- clothes), and that if you spill on or fold a page of one of my books, our relationship is pretty much over.  All of that being said, I think most readers, even the casual ones, would agree with me that books are not known for translating well onto screen.

my subscription addiction quarterly co. box

As someone who loves subscription boxes and reading blogs about those who share my interests, My Subscription Addiction is like the Mother Ship of all subscription box blogs.  Liz Cadman, the amazing woman who writes the blog, subscribes to approximately every subscription box ever known to man (aka one gazillion) and basically lives out a Christmas morning version of Groundhog Day every afternoon when she opens the door to her mailman's arms weighted down with boxes full of delightful surprises.  Those of us obsessed with subscription boxes all wish we could be Liz, or at least be one of her close friends, so we could have the privilege of being invited over to browse her enormous discard pile.  That being said, when she announced that she had been working with Quarterly Co. to release her own curated box, everyone signed up so quickly that the box quickly sold out.