the lowest of the low.

I had a draft all ready to be posted this week about how to deal with things when you are feeling at your lowest, most frustrated point with your illnesses.. and then this past week happened.

I've talked on here before about how I get migraines.  Since I was in middle school, I have gotten what are referred to as basilar, or ocular, migraines -- instead of the "typical" migraine, I get ones where the entire (usually left) side of my body goes tingly and then numb, starting with my fingertips and progressing up my arm, through my face/mouth and down into my trunk and leg.  I also get an aura in that eye that starts as a blob but eventually leads to a complete loss of vision on that side.  I also have the "typical" migraines people get, with the auras and intense pain, and I get sinus headaches. 

This is what my aura looks like when I first start getting it, and then it turns completely black with no lines.

my subscription addiction quarterly co. box

As someone who loves subscription boxes and reading blogs about those who share my interests, My Subscription Addiction is like the Mother Ship of all subscription box blogs.  Liz Cadman, the amazing woman who writes the blog, subscribes to approximately every subscription box ever known to man (aka one gazillion) and basically lives out a Christmas morning version of Groundhog Day every afternoon when she opens the door to her mailman's arms weighted down with boxes full of delightful surprises.  Those of us obsessed with subscription boxes all wish we could be Liz, or at least be one of her close friends, so we could have the privilege of being invited over to browse her enormous discard pile.  That being said, when she announced that she had been working with Quarterly Co. to release her own curated box, everyone signed up so quickly that the box quickly sold out.

nature box june 2014 review

i feel like i am always so behind on my reviews!  :(  i am trying to catch up and am almost current thankfully.  somehow it seems like there are just never enough hours in the day, or that i am too tired to even think about blogging.  i also think i am going to use my blog for more bloggy type things -- more of my personal feelings and pictures, instead of just box reviews and beauty stuff.  that was my intention in the beginning, but i still find it hard to be open and honest about things that i am embarrassed about (things to do with my illness), but i think it will be good for me.  what do you all think?

anyway, this review is of a new snack box i found -- nature box.  

fashion friday.

one of the things that i find most frustrating is finding clothes that are both comfortable and fashionable.  i love clothes -- just ask my boyfriend and our overflowing closet! -- and i used to love shopping for them.... until i got sick.  now shopping for them is hours upon hours of frustration.  nothing seems to fit right anymore, and because of the pain and bloating in my body, it's so hard to tell from day to day what size i am going to be, what body part is going to hurt and can't be pushed against that day, and i never know what size i should buy.  there are days that i can wear my skinny jeans in the morning, and by the evening my stomach is so distended from the inflammation in my bladder and belly that nothing else fits but drawstring sweatpants!  UGH!!  i know i am not the only one who has this problem (and who is so frustrated and upset by it), so i thought that i would start something new on my blog.

every friday, i am going to have fashion friday, where i showcase a type of clothing that i have found is especially friendly for those of us with chronic illnesses.  i have tried so many different styles of clothing over the years (with many hits and misses) that i want to be able to share the information with you all so that you don't have to waste the time that i did, too!  this way you can find the information right here, all compiled for you so you don't have to go searching on your own.  i will include many different price points and a variety of stores so that hopefully i cover all ends of the spectrum.  and hey, even if you don't have a chronic illness, i hope you enjoy the fashion finds as well!

for this first fashion friday, i am going to be covering a new trend for the spring and summer that i was very happy to see come back: shorts with elastic waistbands!  some stores are calling them "soft shorts" this year, but either way i am thrilled they are back! they are super comfy for us without looking like we are wearing sweatpants (which they kind of are, but who is gonna tell?! not me!).  combining them with a loose tank or tee, a sandal and a chunky necklace, and we can fly out the door looking great (even if we don't feel like it inside).  it's important to feel somewhat put together on the outside, even if we aren't feeling too great inside, because it boosts our spirits a bit and gives us just enough of an attitude change that we feel like we can face more than we could if we were in our sweats.  that's why i think it's important to try to put on "real" clothes when we leave the house, and that's where fashion friday comes in.  this way, we can wear regular clothes without stuffing ourselves into something that is uncomfortable and makes us feel worse.  so without further blabbing from me, checking out these awesome shorts.  :)

international CFS/ME & fibro awareness day

today, may 12th, is a very important day in our little (but growing!) chronic illness community.  it is international chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis & fibromyalgia awareness day.  although i have not been officially diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, i do have fibromyalgia, and there are so many similarities between the two that it is often very difficult to tell the difference.  either way, both illnesses are extremely debilitating and have a profound effect on my life and daily functioning.

a few bloggers came up with the idea for a "blog bomb", or a mass of postings by those of us in the blog world that have these illnesses, to share our stories today so that we can bring awareness to these illnesses and how they affect our lives.  so little is known about how these illnesses are contracted and how they truly affect the body, why they affect certain parts of the body and not others, and we are still so far from finding effective medications and other treatments that allow us to overcome the symptoms and live a more normal life.  not only that, but these illnesses are very misunderstood and there is such a stigma attached to them, that we are just lazy and don't want to work, or that if we just exercised and ate a little better, we would be fine -- both of which are not true!  hopefully, through this blog bomb, we can raise awareness and hopefully some progress can be made regarding stereotypes and what having these diseases is really like.

is it spring yet?

man, this was quite an up-and-down week!

it started out pretty nice with some nice sunshine-y weather.  i live in upstate new york, where we have basically two seasons: winter and summer.  we joke that our other seasons are almost winter, and still winter, but it's sadly true.  the beginning of this week started out nice, with weather into the 50's.  as i'm sure many of you can relate with, my fibro is directly affected by the weather.  this extra cold winter we have had has been especially hard on my joints this winter, and i have been suffering hard for it, so even a day of warmer weather was definitely welcome!  my mom lives in the country, so i took the dogs for a nice hike around the fields, with a lovely (and healthy!) grilled chicken and vegetables dinner.  hikes seem to be one of the few cardio exercises that i can do without many problems, and because of the sloping terrain, it isn't too hard on my joints.  i do make sure to take an epsom salt bath that night, and i usually have to wear a lidocaine patch to sleep that night, but it makes me feel so much better to get some fresh air, and the dogs really love it!  sometimes, the simple things going right in life make all the difference, right?

i got my brain MRI results this week, and thankfully they were clear.  but the medicine that i started to help prevent my migraines is really kicking my ass.  it takes four weeks to titrate up to the full dose, and this was week three of the titration, where i started taking two pills at night and one pill in the morning. the first week really knocked me out, the second week wasn't so bad, but this week was pretty bad again.  the day after i started taking the two at night, i was very dizzy and nauseous, and i felt like i was on the verge of a migraine the whole day.  those of you that suffer from migraines know the almost paralyzing fear that comes with it -- you are terrified that you are going to get a migraine at the worse possible time and place, especially if you are alone, and unfortunately, that anxiety only contributes to the stress that could cause one.

to top it off, i had to go get my car inspected that day and since it only takes about half an hour, i waited in the shop for it.  BAD IDEA!!  i forgot how the whole place smells like diesel fuel and new tires!  ugh.  i felt like i was going to pass out and by the time i left, my head was throbbing and i was sure i was going to get a migraine.  i took some ibuprofen and got a giant coffee from dunkin donuts and thankfully that was enough to head it off.  it is strange how different things are after you get sick, isn't it?  things that you don't give a second thought to before, like getting your car inspected, cause potentially day-altering problems when you're sick.

so anyway, going along with the bipolar new york weather, two days after it was almost 60 degrees and sunny, it SNOWED.  yes, snow.  of course, not just a dusting of snow or perhaps maybe an inch that would be gone in an hour or so.  nope, it snowed 7" here in about 6 1/2 hours on top of sleet, making for some crazy heavy, wet snow.  oh, lovely new york.

these two pictures were taken five hours apart.

as if that wasn't crazy enough, the next day it was 50 again and the snow was all melted by the late afternoon!  yikes.  my sinuses sure have taken a beating in the past few days.  i take an allergy pill every day and that is usually enough to quell any allergy/sinus problems i have, but when the weather jumps around like this, even they don't do much.  i had a headache the other night that nothing would touch, not ibuprofen, my cold face mask, hot washcloth, nasal spray, nothing.  my joints have been going pretty crazy too, especially my hips and knees, which are always my worst ones.  erf :(  

yesterday i was feeling good enough to be able to go run some errands by myself, which is the best feeling.  most of the time, i can't run errands by myself.  i need someone to go with me so that when i get tired (which is pretty quickly), i have someone to drive me, push the cart in the store, lean on when i'm walking, carry stuff, etc.  but yesterday when i woke up, i actually felt decent for once.  my hips didn't hurt too bad, and my energy level was pretty high, so i decided that i would try to go out and get as much done as i possibly could.  i was able to make it to the bookstore, craft store, victoria's secret, pet store, and ulta before i got tired and had to go home, but let me tell you: it felt great!!  the sun was shining, it was warm out, i was driving with my music on and my windows down, and it was wonderful to be self-sufficient for once and do things on my own.  it gives me hope that someday (hopefully soon) things will change and i will be able to be more self-sufficient and be more independent from my illness.  that is one of my biggest goals.

i also got to rock my new cultgaia headband from my fabfitfun box, which was awesome :)

tonight i start the last phase of my medicine titration, so i am hoping that it doesn't wreck me as bad as it did this past week.  the weather looks like it will be pretty steady for the next week or so, high 40s/low 50s, so let's all hope we are fiiiiinally away from winter and into spring for good!

how was your week?  do your illnesses get worse/better with the weather, too?  what are you most looking forward to about spring?

fabfitfun VIP spring 2014 box review

hi everyone!  i am so stoked to share with you my very first fabfitfun VIP box!!  i first heard of this box through another blog that i follow, tickled pink in the rain, and it seemed like a really cool thing.  i love beauty boxes and this one seemed like it had even a little extra towards the fitness part of it, and since i always am willing to try new things to stay healthy (since it's always a struggle for me!), i thought i would give this a shot.

what is the fabfitfun VIP box?  this box was started by giuliana rancic and is delivered once per season, or four times per year (spring, summer, winter, fall).  each box has that season's theme, and contains a variety of beauty, wellness, health, fashion, and fitness products, with a minimum of $120 retail value, for just $49.99 per box.  two items are revealed per season in the weeks leading up to the boxes' release (you don't have to find out what they are if you don't want to) and each box is limited edition.  you can check it out here, and use code SPRING5 to get $5 off your first box!

let me say to begin with, i was kind of hesitant about this box.  i looked at the products in the past boxes and they all seemed pretty nice, but $50 seems kind of expensive to me for a box.  granted, it's only quarterly, and the guaranteed products' worth is at least triple what i would be paying for the box.  but i was on the fence about it.  i have tried a bunch of beauty boxes in the past that i have ended up unsubscribing from just because, as someone who is chronically ill and doesn't have the social life that i used to, i don't use all these products that other people might, and would rather spend $50 on a quality pair of sweatpants than on a bunch of makeup that will probably just sit in my drawer.  but, eventually, i thought, what the heck, and i signed up.  and you know what?  i am VERY glad i did!

the team at FFF obviously don't know i have a chronic illness but the products that were in my box this season were so beneficial for someone like me!  i'm really happy about everything i received and am going to get good use out of all of it, and that's hard to do with a surprise beauty box.  so let's dive right in and let me show you what i got!!

to begin with, i thought the shipping was pretty good.  i got my tracking number on the evening of march 19, and i got my package on the afternoon of march 24.  that's pretty fast, especially considering the tracking number was sent at night and there was a weekend in there.  the box it came in was just a plain black cardboard box, and when you opened it, it was bursting with color!  i love nice packaging, and this was great.  everything was wrapped in tissue paper and the hot pink was a great contrast to the black.

when i opened the box, i was pretty surprised at how bursting it was with products!  i could tell right away that i had definitely gotten my money's worth, and was happy that i had ended up subscribing.

kai perfume oil  (retail value: $48)

so the first product i pulled out was this kai perfume oil.  i think the packaging is really nice and simple, and holy crap, it smells AMAAAZING!  i'm a sucker for floral scents, and it smells like this lovely mix of gardenias, lilies, roses... just like you stuck your face in a bouquet of the most amazing freshly cut flowers.  i sat there like a doofus for a good five minutes just sniffing, sniffing, sniffing... the dogs thought i was crazy but eh, what's new?! ha :)  but seriously, it's awesome.  it says that it smells different on everyone, which i think is very interesting.  it is a rollerball application which is nice, so you don't have to worry about it spraying everywhere if you carry it in your purse.  plus, it's a pretty big size at 3.7 mL and this product alone is over the price i paid for the entire box, plus i will strongly consider repurchasing it since i love the smell so much.  score!

cover fx spf30 protection primer (retail value: $38)

the next product is this face primer from cover fx.  i had never tried their products before, but i like face primers in general, and i love any face product with spf.  i am prone to having my moles develop into pre-cancerous lesions, so i am always careful to wear spf every day.  this is a great way to get extra coverage on my face!  plus, it's water-resistant (a big plus in the super humid northeast), paraben-free, gluten-free, mineral-oil free, talc-free, and vegan.  it also says it's fragrance-free, although i did detect a slight smell.  it doesn't bother me at all, and it was that baby powdery/clean smell, so it is a nice one, and not strong at all.  it goes on easily and sinks right in without being greasy or oily, as some primers tend to do.  it's a full fluid ounce, which is a lot of product to be able to decide if you like it or not.  at $38 i don't think i will be repurchasing it after this tube runs out, but i do appreciate it in my box.

merrithew mini stability ball and dvd (retail value: $28.94)

i was very pleasantly surprised by this being in my box, as i've never seen anything like it in a beauty/fitness box!  it is an exercise dvd that is 88 minutes long (with 48 minutes of actual exercises), containing 16 exercises designed to strengthen your breathing techniques and affecting your posture, your core muscles, improving your mobility, and breathing away your negative tension, using the included stability ball.  the exercise difficulty level is the easiest level.  i have to say, i am really pumped about this!! anyone with chronic pain knows that it suuuucks to try to exercise!  the pain is sometimes just so overwhelming that it's hard to go out and get the freakin' mail, let alone try to walk (or, gasp, run!) a mile, let alone try to contort our bodies into some crazy yoga poses or something like that!  and for me, with my heart condition, i have to be very careful of what type of cardio i do, because my heart rate shoots up faster than you can say heroine.  so this seems like it is going to be really great -- easy level, easy poses using a stability ball, breathing techniques that even *i* can do, building up my core muscles -- woohoo!  can you tell i'm excited to try this?!  plus, they included a 15% off coupon for my purchase at the merrithew store, sweet.

dermasuri deep exfoliating mitt (retail value: $19.99)

this mitt is freakin' awesome, let me tell you.  i have been searching for some sort of an exfoliating glove/product for a long time, and haven't been able to find one.  with my fibro and other problems, my skin is very sensitive.  loofahs seem to be too soft and don't do enough exfoliating, but even a lot of the sugar scrubs or those harder scrubs that come inside of soaps were way, way too rough on my skin and hurt too much to even use them.  this mitt is the perfect inbetween texture!!  it is slightly rough but not too rough that it hurts my skin.  the bottom has an elastic band so that it won't come off of your hand while you are scrubbing, and it has a large, double-sided surface area so that it is easy and quick to do your scrub down.  there was also a 25% off coupon included with this as well, which i plan on using to order another of these gloves!

cult gaia turband (retail value: $48)

this was probably the most anticipated item of the box, at least in my case.  this item, along with the kai perfume, was one of the two items that was revealed in the weeks leading up to the shipping of the boxes.  this is the cult gaia turband, which is a sort-of headband accessory from the brand cult gaia, which is super big right now.  a lot of celebrities have been seen wearing these, and it's the big trend for spring.  the first picture is a picture from the www.cultgaia.com so that you can see what they look like when they arrive.  they are kind of strange when they come out of the package, just a weirdly bendy length of fabric.  the magic about them is that they have a fairly thick wire in them that allows them to be twisted and bent in all different ways, making them really versatile and useful.

i was somewhat disappointed at the pattern i got.. i saw a few people's boxes before i got mine, and i really really REALLY wanted one of the cherry print ones.  however, this print is really adorable and will actually match more clothes that i have, so it's okay.  it also reminds me of taylor swift and we all know how much i love taylor swift, so.... :)  i was also kind of hesitant because i am not a big headband girl because they also slide off my head, but i LOVE this turband!!  it must be because of the wire being able to mold to my head, but it does not move.  at all.  it's wonderful!  in the picture, i twisted the ends once around each other and then tucked the tails under the sides, but i've seen other people do it so many other ways and they all look adorable.  these will be perfect for summer, and the wire will help so much to keep them on my head when it's slippery and sweaty!  they also included another coupon (loving all these coupons!!) for 20% off cult gaia so i can get that cherry print one i wanted too.  ;)

oscar blandi pronto dry shampoo invisible spray (retail value: $25)

i have heard so many raves about this product but for $25 i just haven't been able to justify it to myself, so i haven't gotten it.  some things i can justify spending the extra money on for good results, but i buy the tresemme dry shampoo that works great for me and that's like $7? dollars i think?  but anyway, i was really excited to see this full-size (!) can in my box so that i can finally try it.  it's a super hassle for me to take a shower (standing up too long causes pain, hot water makes my heart race, it makes me so tired i usually have to lay down after, etc etc) so i don't wash my hair as often as i would like to, and i really rely on dry shampoo to get me through.  i am pumped to see this has a "no white residue" promise, so that i don't have to go out looking like i need to dye my greys.. that's always a nice look, haha.  but anyways, i am very happy about this, and once again, another 20% my next order at their website!

level naturals shower bombs (retail value: $7.99)

these shower bombs were the one and only product in my box that i did not like, and it's not even their fault.  they seem really awesome... you put one in the bottom of your shower, and the organic menthol&eucalyptus-scented bomb mixes with the steam of your shower to create a spa-like experience right at home!  it has tea tree oil in it to help relax your feet (and it's good for your skin), and a bunch of other stuff to relax you and help you unwind.  they seem great and i'm bummed i can't try them, but since i was little, the smell of menthol has made me super sick to my stomach.  =(  as soon as i opened the little box these were in, i had to quick take the photo and put them in a plastic bag.  eek.  i am giving them to my mom, though, who i am sure will love them, as she loves eucalyptus.  if they were another scent, i would be thrilled about them.  either way, i think they are a great addition to the box and would be a nice thing for someone to relax with!

the better chip spinach and kale with sea salt (retail value: $1.99)

the last product from the box, these chips are a gluten-free corn chip made with spinach and kale, with sea salt.  i thought it was a nice touch to add a food product in with everything else, and a healthy one at that!  it's hard to find good, gluten-free snack foods that don't taste like dried animal poo (trust me, i've tried almost every variety), but these are actually pretty good.  i bet with some sort of low-calorie dip (i like dill dip), they would be a great snack.  the only thing i am wary of is that the whole bag is 130 calories, which seems like a lot for a small snack bag, but just like anything else, it's all about adding these in and subtracting something else out.  :)  there is also a $1.00 off coupon with these as well.

overall, i am SO glad that i signed up for this box!  the grand total for the retail value of all the products was $217.91, and the box cost me $44.99, including shipping and handling.  that is a steal!!  plus, almost every single item also gave you a coupon for the brand/store that the item came from, which is a lot more savings, too.  i know i will be using at least a few of those coupons, and most of them don't expire for a few more months or until the end of the year.

like i said in the beginning, they certainly don't know me or know that i am sick, but it seemed like this box was tailored for us chronically sick people, doesn't it?  between the dry shampoo and the headband for the days we can't make it through the shower, the mitt for the days we can, the exercise dvd on the days we're feeling up to it, the perfume oil when we want to feel a little bit pampered, the chips to help us eat right, the primer to help us feel just a bit more glamorous, and the shower bombs to help us relax after a tough sick day... this was a perfect box in my opinion, and i can't say enough good things about it.  i can't wait to see what is in the summer one, either.

there are limited quantities of the box left, so if you want one, you should sign up as soon as you can.  use code SPRING5 to get $5 off your first box, and you can sign up here.  go check it out!! :)

what did you think of the box if you got one?  are you planning on getting the summer one?  i'd love to hear your opinion in the comments!

all about me.

i thought it would be a good idea to make a list of the illnesses i have and a brief description of what they are and the symptoms i have from them, as a reference point for anyone reading the blog (and also for my own progress notes).  if you have any questions, feel free to ask.  remember, not everyone has the same symptoms even if they have the same disease/illness, because our bodies are all different!

• interstitial cystitis -- i was diagnosed with this in april of 2012, and this is what started everything off.  i almost always feel like i have to go to the bathroom, even when i don't.  "normal" bladders can hold about 700 cc's of fluid before they absolutely have to go, mine can hold about 250-300 cc's before it's bursting in pain, due to scar tissue restricting its ability to expand properly.  i go to the bathroom about every 45 minutes, and when i am having a bad day, i go about every 15 minutes.  sometimes i pee chunks of blood, and sometimes it burns when i pee, like there is fire coming out.  this is the main thing i have to take into consideration when going out and the main thing that keeps me housebound, along with my fibro, because of the frequency with which i have to go to the bathroom.  i have to make sure that wherever i go has a bathroom that is pretty much always immediately available for me to use.  this makes it difficult to take car rides as well, because the bumpy roads are extremely painful to ride on with a full-feeling bladder.  although it might seem obvious to just drink less liquid in order to not go to the bathroom as much, unfortunately if i drink less liquid, it hurts more when i do pee (it burns), so i have to drink a ton of water to dilute my urine, thus resulting in me urinating frequently.

• ovarian cysts -- shortly before i was diagnosed with my IC, i had an ovarian cyst rupture on my left ovary.  at the time, i didn't think it was a big deal, but looking back, it may be what caused my IC to flare enough that i had to go out of work and on medication.  when it burst, it was so painful that i couldn't stand on my left leg at all, and when i sat down, i had to lean to the right so there wasn't any weight on the left side.  i ended up in the ER to get strong painkillers and even then, it was almost 3 weeks before it was fully healed, even though a normal one takes about a week or less to heal.  i continue to have many of them on each ovary all the time, not just during my period which is typical, and have also had two abnormal pap smears in a row, resulting in a colposcopy.  my gynecologist wants to do a laparoscopy because she suspects i have endometriosis due to my regular, abnormal bleeding, but i am waiting until my other medical issues are more under control before i have the procedure.

• ocular migraines -- these are different from regular migraines in that they are more similar to a stroke than a typical headache.  the first symptoms i get are a shimmering in my left eye, or splotches in the direct center of my vision.  it quickly progresses to a sharp, intense stabbing pain in the left side of my face, followed by the entire left side of my body (leg, torso, arm, tongue, face, mouth) going tingly and then numb.  no medication or any remedy helps it go away or make it better; i usually take ibuprofen around the clock (4 pills every 4 hours) just to make me sleep through it until it is over -- usually 12-16 hours later. for the 24 hours following my migraine, i feel on the verge of one constantly, my eye and head feel weird (no real way to describe it), and i have trouble focusing and just feel very out of it. i get about one of these per month.  lately i have also been experiencing strange visual auras without headache, including multi-colored bursts of light in my vision, waking up to see spots covering my vision, patterns look like they're moving, spots of zigzag lines in my vision, clouds of flashing lights, etc. my neurologist thinks that i have some brain lesions because they don't really follow any pattern and have come on suddenly, so i have to go for an MRI in a few days to get it checked out.

• TMJ -- when i was a senior in high school, i got in a head-on car accident where i totaled the car.  it was a pretty bad accident -- roof collapsed, airbags went off, frame was bent, entire passenger side crushed in, etc. and i am lucky that i escaped with what i did: a torn MCL on my left knee, and TMJ from the airbag hitting my face.  i have the snapping and clicking of a typical TMJ case, and a lot of pain.  i wear a mouthpiece at night that prevents my teeth from coming together and gives my jaw relief, and sometimes i wear it during the day if i'm having a lot of pain.  i notice it especially if i am in a very social situation that i have to do a lot of talking in, or if i laugh a lot on a particular day, because it stresses the muscles.

• fibromyalgia -- ohh, fibro. such a lovely invisible disease... NOT! fibro is truly awful because there is no real explanation for why you have it or what parts are affected, and no real tried-and-true method to get relief from it.  it sucks.  besides my peeing problems, fibro affects me the most, i would say.  before i got sick, i was very active, always on the go, going out about every other night or so, very social.  now, i can be out for about 4 hours, 5 hours max at any given time before i am just... done.  exhausted, and in a ton of pain.  and obviously, i can't do some of the activities i used to do, because they are just too much on my joints (and my heart, but more about that in a second). ironically, daily exercise is what is recommended most to relieve the symptoms of fibro, but (at least in my case), daily exercise is sometimes the #1 hardest thing to try to do.  there are many "trigger points" in the body that one has fibromyalgia pain/discomfort in, and not everybody has the same ones.  some people experience mild pain, while others can experience a stabbing pain simply from someone running their hand over the area. in my case, i have mild/fleeting pain in my fingers, wrists, elbows, and ankles.  i have moderate pain in my toes, shoulders, and neck.  i have severe pain (the kind where just running your hand over it hurts) in my lower back, hips, and knees.  so pretty much any activity i do, at least one of my "severe" category joints is affected, since they are my core moving joints.  getting out of bed in the morning is quite interesting.. it takes me about an hour between the time i wake up and the time i can actually get out of bed, because of the stretches i have to do and just moving my body enough to get my muscles limber to be able to sit up and get out of bed without squealing in pain and being super stiff. if i don't get my time to do my stretches, it's not a pretty sight.

• inappropriate sinus tachycardia --  i found out i had this last summer.  it's a hard condition where there is an abnormality in the way your adrenaline is released, and too much is released at one time, sending your heart rate up to really high rates for no good reason.  there were times i would just be sitting on the couch watching tv and my heart rate would be 140-150 (a normal person's heart rate is between 60-100).  i was attempting to do a few simple yoga poses with a yoga ball, and my heart rate shot up to 220, so it is very dangerous and makes it hard to do much cardio activity. because there is anatomically nothing wrong with my node that releases the adrenaline, the only way it can really be controlled is through beta blockers. there is an option of having is ablated (where they send a balloon up through your thigh to burn part of your heart), but a high percentage of people end up having too much burned away and immediately have to have a pacemaker implanted, so there is a high risk.  the beta blocker is helping somewhat.. i am on the maximum dose per day, and my resting heart rate is still about 100-110.  so, it's lower, but not very good, still. 

• atrial septal defect -- i actually didn't find this out until about two weeks ago.  when my OB/GYN wanted me to have my laparoscopy, i needed cardiac clearance because of my IST.  when i got my echocardiogram, they found out i have an atrial septal defect, or a hole in the heart.  it is a congenital heart defect, meaning i have had it since i've been born.  it is a hole between the two upper chambers of my heart, which essentially messes with how oxygenated and unoxygenated blood are delivered to the lungs and body, and they are mixed (that's a really simple version of it!). it explains a LOOOTT of things that happened when i was younger, and why i have been feeling so short of breath lately and having such chest pain.  they thought it was just the IST, but it is obviously because of the hole.  i have been feeling like i can't catch my breath, having pain and heaviness in my chest, get very tired very easily, plus my heart rate goes up super fast with the IST, so i've kind of been a mess lately.  i am just waiting for the insurance to approve it, and then i can have a transesophageal echocardiogram -- they put you under anesthesia and insert a scope through your esophagus in order to view your heart and it's flow and function better.  this will be able to tell the doctors how big my hole is and if i can get it fixed through catheterization, or if i will need open heart surgery.

• IBS -- probably the most common of my problems, IBS is also known as irritable bowel syndrome.  basically, i have diarrhea all the time, i am almost always bloated, and i get really bad pains in my stomach that i like to call death pains because they immediately make me drench with sweat and i can't focus on anything else or even breathe, they hurt so bad.  they are followed by an explosion on the toilet, which is so great.  woohoo!

so there you have it.  that's all of my illnesses in a nutshell.  i don't say all of this for your pity, by the way.  lots of you have it worse than me, i am sure of that.  i just want people to see that those of us who don't "look sick" are fighting battles that are just as bad as those of us who do, and judging us for our appearance isn't fair.  i also know that some of you can sympathize with the symptoms i list, and i want you to know that you're not alone! other people go through what you go through, too -- me! and maybe you know of things that i haven't tried that can help me, and maybe i know of things that don't work for me but might work for you and we can help each other out. isn't that what life is all about?! :)

my upcoming posts include foods that i have found help my body, reviews of this month's ipsy bag, and a look into things i'm loving this month! stay tuned!